Boundaries 101 (Part 1)
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries are a tool to protect yourself and your resources.
They are rules of conduct for yourself. They control your own behavior (not anyone else’s). They articulate to others how you are willing to be in relationship with them.
I recently read an interpretation I loved: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
Sounds simple.
They are, in theory. But implementing and upholding boundaries is a complex process in real-life application.
I’m going to share my process over the next few days.
I’ll probably also spill the beans on my not-so-secret complete lack of boundaries for the first… oh, 3.5 decades of my life. 😥😣🤐… We’ll see!
BOUNDARIES ARE SOURCED FROM A CLEAN PLACE
Setting helpful boundaries starts with having clarity.
This part is interesting, so pay attention. We often REALIZE we have a boundary because it gets crossed, and we have an emotional reaction to the experience.
Example: I lack boundaries around my time and my talents. I realize I am giving more than I am okay with when I suddenly feel resentful or angry.
When you feel the emotion flare up, pause and be with it. Get curious! Why am I actually angry right now? Why do I resent this person?
My thoughts usually sound like “It’s like he thinks he’s entitled to my time and attention!” or “OMG I JUST did xy&z for her, is she seriously asking me for this now?” or “How dare she say no one supports her - look at everything I’ve done for her!”
(Ha. If I had a dollar for every time I heard these thoughts in my head, I’d be paying for your room and mine at a beach-front all inclusive resort right now!)
This is key, friends: The emotional upset is the signal that a boundary was crossed. While you’re feeling upset is NOT the place from which to determine what the boundary is, NOR to communicate the boundary.
If we’re still feeling the emotions, we’re only ready to explore internally.
What am I truly upset about?
Why is this upsetting?
What do I wish was different?
What is my role in or contribution to this situation? (Did I give something I didn’t want to give? Say yes when I meant no? Tolerate behavior longer than I wanted to?)
The answer may be obvious, or it may surprise you.
Last week I felt pissed, so I journaled about it. Here’s what I wrote: She always does this to me. She takes advantage of me and I’m pissed that she’s doing it again! She just promises my time and expertise to people without asking me. She assumes I am available and willing. I am neither. WTF. I offered to help with one thing and here I am carrying the whole project and she’s sending people to me for answers. Bitch, this is not my responsibility (look, I didn’t say I’m proud of this journal entry…)!! I do not have time and I am not interested in doing this. I am so excited about my business. I have nephews and friends I haven’t seen in weeks. Your project literally does not matter to me! It is not a priority. It never was. I was just being nice.
Such fun exploration. Tomorrow I’ll share how I find the actual boundary in all of that frustration. 😉🌿
Boundaries only dictate your behavior.
If the emotion is still peaked, we’re just exploring.
🌿To your journey and mine… let’s explore our upset!