Ah, real life

WELL, THAT’S EMBARRASSING!

Today is Day 13 since I committed to posting daily, and I’ve only posted 7 blogs.

E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G!

Or… is it?

My intention in this commitment was to share myself more openly. And this pattern - great ideas, super gung-ho, emotionally connected to the why, detailed plan in hand - then really struggling with consistency? This is me, world!

My coach (a pretty exceptional human being and coach) has helped me see so many important things about myself. Today, I’m reflecting appreciatively on the first time he joked about me “starting everything and finishing nothing.”

He was spot on.

A few years ago, I would have been mortified to be seen in that truth. This morning, as I reflected on how on Earth I started this blog with such vigor and dedication just 13 days ago and already missed six days, my mind flashed to my coach’s joke.

My immediate reaction was fear and shame because people would find out what a failure I am. Since, you know, a small mistake or dip from perfection is total failure. BUT, I’ve been doing this work long enough to recognize that assumption for the protection mechanism it is.

First of all, that shame doesn’t belong to me. I do not judge or reject others for imperfections or missing the mark. I get curious, and I choose to love them as they are.

Second, I reminded myself that I have plenty of evidence in my life already that the people I care to be connected to will not reject me for my imperfections. (In fact, terrifyingly, they seem to love me for them… 😨).

Third, I have slowly, painstakingly, intentionally built enough of a foundation of self-love that even if others reject me for “failing”, I will be okay.

I choose not to hide behind the limitations of my outdated fears and default thinking.

So, here’s the truth: I overscheduled myself for two weeks straight (a default scarcity-based habit of mine that I’m working on). I refused to show up as anything other than my A-game self for my clients and other commitments. And, unconsciously, I put myself at the bottom of my list. I got sleep deprived and used that to logically let myself off the hook.

COOL, NOW WHAT?

I then pivoted to how I can use my own strengths to get back on track.

I am really good at “keeping going”. I’ve been doing it my whole life.

Brothers are bigger and better at it than me? I’ll try harder. A boy beat me in ciphering on the board in fifth grade? I’ll practicing at home. Dropped out of college? Went back when I could afford it. I might get last in this half marathon? I’ll keep going anyway, I will finish. My boss said no to the raise I asked for and deserve? I’ll still believe in my worth and adjust accordingly.

So, I started running through evidence of my perseverance in my mind. Once I got far enough in the list to really feel the truth of my courage and sticktoitiveness, I came here to share my authentic self.

I also really like that I was courageous enough to start this process in the first place. And… what a relief to have my imperfections out in the world early on in the process.

I tapped into that courage to write this post honestly. I even deleted the down-played numbers and wrote the real ones. 😰

I am so goddamn far from perfect. But I am trying. And I will always come back and keep going when the commitment is aligned with my values and priorities.

Reject me if you will. Be disappointed or disgusted or mean. I will be fine. Because I love me, including my very big struggle with consistency. 💖

Choose to do what matters to you, no matter the perception.

Choose to tap into what you love in yourself and operate from there!

🌿To your journey and mine… let’s keep going!