Receiving is f*cking hard

WHY I CARE ABOUT MY UNCONSCIOUS PROGRAMING

When I first started working on myself, I did it because it felt like all of life was unsatisfying. I felt like I was checking all the expected boxes for a “good life” but something was missing and I wasn’t happy.

Along the way, I learned I had unconsciously been acting out the rules that others created without ever pausing to learn what I actually wanted, needed, and enjoyed.

Furthermore, I discovered that — just like all other humans — my unconscious/subconscious was acting out this life with good intention: to keep me alive.

Turns out our sub/unconscious is only interested in survival. That’s it’s job and it will ignore and override everything that is perceived to threaten it’s safety.

But my system — again, just like all other humans — learned some patterns in childhood that, while helpful then, are dysfunctional now.

All this to say… I’m rethinking my designation as “Fiercely Independent.”

I used to wear this characteristic like a crown. I was so very proud.

I handled myself, my siblings, my neighbors, and the kids I babysat with ease as a teenager when our parental support was undermined by death, grief, depression, and overwhelm.

I moved across the country alone with two suitcases and a backpack to immerse myself in a culture and climate I couldn’t fully comprehend.

I worked multiple jobs for more years of my life than I didn’t. I taught myself a lot of what I know about business and life from books, podcasts, free resources on the internet, and deeply curious conversations.

I did all of this even while other resources would have helped me more. Resources like mentors, paid trainings, therapy, medication, financial counseling, and the sage advice of my elders.

The hard truth was, I had even built my friendships in a way where I gave a lot more than I took, and kept it that way. My friends rarely even knew if I was struggling with something.

I did all of this because I learned in childhood that it was safer to not need anything from others than it was to express a need or desire and feel the pain of it not being met.

My system learned to find security in my ability to do and provide everything for myself.

My brilliant little child mind convinced itself that expressing a need to someone else was dangerous. I’d be wrong, hurt, or disappointed. All of which were more painful as a child than just suppressing the need altogether, or meeting it myself.

As a teenager, then an adult, my capacity grew and with it my competence. If I could do it all and provide it all myself, I never had to risk depending on someone else and being let down.

But humans aren’t designed to do life alone. My fierce independence also kept me isolated, alone, and doing every single freaking thing the absolute hardest way possible.

Fast forward a decade in my journey and I’m finally unlearning this belief that it’s unsafe to depend on others. I’m unlearning the profound resistance to admitting I have needs at all. I’m even dabbling in letting others help me.

As I do, I am fascinated observing my system’s response. When I notice a need, I still clam up a little when I attempt to verbalize it. I still feel a tidal wave of self-ridicule after I say it outloud or send the email. I even feel preemptively defensive sometimes before I get a response.

BUT, I see those reactions for what they are: my system’s innocent attempt to protect me. And, from a place of deep inner clarity, I soothe those reactions and reconnect to the greater truths:

I am human, therefore I have a needs and desires.

It is safe to have needs and desires and to express them to others.

I can handle it if people let me down.

I crave the connection that’s only available when I share my needs and desires with others.

I trust others will do their best to meet my needs and desires when I express them in healthy ways.

🌿To your journey and mine… let’s re-evaluate the characteristics we claim with an open mind!